Ten Essential Marriage Habits

Guest Post By Dorothy Greco

As the author of two marriage books, people routinely ask me for a short list of ideas for how to keep their marriages strong and satisfying. I’m not necessarily keen on relational to-do lists, but I do believe that developing these habits will help you to have a mutually-satisfying marriage.

1. Hone your communication skills. First, don’t talk more than you’re willing to  listen. If you’re an extrovert married to an introvert, you may need to stop talking before you feel done so that your spouse has space to process and respond. Additionally, strive to become tender-hearted truth tellers. As I write in Marriage in the Middle, being a truth teller does not mean “giving voice to every stray thought that drifts through our mind. There’s Twitter for that.” Our feelings can sometimes be vindictive, mean-spirited, and unhelpful. In those moments, it’s better to stay quiet.
   

2. Take responsibility for your contribution to marital issues rather than blaming your spouse. Remember Jesus’s message in the Sermon on the Mount about removing the log in your own eye before trying to take out the speck in someone else’s? Ask yourself  “How or what did I bring to this disagreement or impasse?” Typically, both partners contribute to relational dynamics. When you blow it, own it and humbly apologize.
   

3. Forgive quickly and thoroughly. Little things can gradually become big things if they are not processed and forgiven. Don’t forget to actually vocalize I forgive you when your spouse apologizes. And remember, forgiveness is neither optional nor dependent on our feelings. (The call to forgive does not mean that we should overlook abuse. If that’s an issue, please reach out for professional help.)
   

4. Commit to grow: both individually and together. God created us to keep learning throughout our entire lives. In fact, we have to make a conscious choice not to grow! We recently hosted a marriage conference and discovered one couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary that weekend. When I asked why they came, the octogenarian husband said, “There’s more for us. Let’s go!” I want to have that attitude when I’m his age!
   

5. Develop and maintain healthy friendships. No matter how awesome you are, you will not be able to meet all of your spouse’s needs. Though some needs can only be met in the confines of marriage (like sex), having healthy friendships and being part of a healthy community eases our burdens and supports us when life gets hard.
   

6. Live and love sacrificially. Sometimes major sacrifices are easier than smaller, everyday ones. As I’ve aged, my sleep has gotten worse which means my husband needs to get up a bit earlier than he prefers so he can walk the dog before going to work. This is no small thing when it’s 0’dark thirty and the temperature is well below freezing. These little acts of sacrificial love become equity that we can draw on when life gets complicated.
   

7. Develop shared leisure activities. A commonly stated reason for divorce is “we grew apart.” We can avoid that by intentionally strengthening the bond between us. Ten years ago, I bought a used double kayak for our anniversary. Initially, Christopher was aghast as we were on a tight budget. But after getting out on the river a few times, he was hooked. Since the pandemic hit, we’ve been going for long walks and watching The Crown. Connecting while having fun should be non-negotiable and prioritized.
   

8. Figure out how you can serve together. Every marriage is uniquely poised to serve the larger world. Maybe it’s volunteering in an animal shelter or food pantry. Maybe it’s doing a Habitat for Humanity building project. Christopher and I have been doing a midweek-service at the local men’s prison for the past three years. The options are endless! Being missional takes your focus off any  minor annoyances and puts you in a context to work together.
   

9. Speak words of blessing and encouragement to each other on a regular basis. Let’s face it. We can all get discouraged from time to time. Because we know our spouse’s strengths and weaknesses better than anyone else, our words can build up or tear down. When your spouse has done something well, tell them how much you appreciate them. And be specific! Thanks! is good but I’m so grateful that you noticed my tires needed to be rotated and took care of that for me. I feel loved, has more payoff.  
   

10. Pray for and with each other. We all know how important this is and probably, many of us struggle to consistently do it. Praying together fortifies and unites us in a way that nothing else can. If this has been a struggle, don’t give up! Set the bar low. Aim for sixty second each morning or each evening. Some prayer is better than none.
    

Have your own essentials that I missed? Please share them with us. If you comment or share one of your ideas for keeping your marriage strong, you could win an autographed copy of Marriage in the Middle.

Dorothy Littell Greco is the author of Making Marriage Beautiful and the newly released Marriage the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges, and Joys.  She also works as a professional photographer. You can find more of her work on her website: DorothyGreco.com.

Best Resources for Bible Study

When people find out I’ve been to seminary, I get one of three reactions. Some people assume that a seminary degree means I suddenly have all of the answers about the Bible and faith. As much as this sentiment may flatter my pride, it is far from the truth. This is not true of me and, I would argue, is not true of even the best of biblical scholars.

Others shrug their shoulders at this information, as if asking “so what?” They are skeptical of scholarship and question what a seminary education could offer that they can’t find in their own Bible reading. They doubt that understanding more about the culture or language that gave birth to the Bible—and to our Savior—could offer any further insight into what the Bible teaches us.

I find both of these reactions to be problematic, but we can save that discussion for another time. To be brief, as we think about studying theology or the Bible, we must chart a way between these two extremes. We must learn to read and study for ourselves—prayerfully, thoughtfully, and habitually reading the whole of the Bible, not merely listening to whomever we have deemed our approved expert. You do not need to go to seminary to learn to study the Bible well for yourself. But, as we are always reading the Bible in translation and across cultures, we benefit from additional resources that help us understand things like word plays we may miss, cultural asides and assumptions that would have been understood by the Bible’s first readers (or, rather, hearers), or people and places foreign to us.

This is why I appreciate the third reaction I receive. These people don’t assume I have all the answers, but they do assume I may have something to bring to the table here and there based on my additional study. They know their own life experience and personal study are important as they seek to understand and apply God’s Word—but they are open to additional insight that may add to, clarify, or enhance it.

As is the case with most training and schooling, I left seminary not with all the answers but equipped with better resources to know where to look for answers. Today I want to share with you some of my favorite resources and tools for studying the Bible. They will help us walk in this balance between learning from the Bible itself—and receiving help from those who have been doing it much longer and more in-depth than we have. I personally find them to be well-grounded and balanced when it comes to most theological issues, and I believe them to be fairly accessible and helpful regardless of your level of biblical and theological study.

Pen & Paper

I start here because I can’t imagine doing any sort of study without pen and paper by my side. Write down your questions, the things that stand out to you, the connections you find between different passages. Keep track of the ways you sense God speaking to you in the Scriptures or of what you’ve learned new. In the moment, it’ll be a helpful way to keep track of your thoughts, and in the future it will offer a reminder of the things you once knew but forgot and of how God has been at work in your study of His Word.

Study Bible

A good study Bible is a great foundation for Bible study. It should provide basic information on each book of the Bible (historical context, major themes, an outline, etc.) as well as footnotes throughout with tidbits about translation, culture, related passages, and more. I would recommend choosing a study Bible that is compiled by a panel of scholars and pastors, not one by merely one person.

Another helpful feature of a study Bible (though some standard Bibles also have this) is a cross reference list. You’ll see this running in parallel as you read the Bible. It’s usually a smaller-text column with Bible references. (The cross reference list in my study Bible is placed in the crease of the center binding of each page.) This list is an excellent way to find other passages of the Bible that relate to the one you’re studying. Seeing how the Bible refers to itself and is in conversation with itself will give you a fuller understanding as you study.

Zondervan Illustrated Bible Dictionary

This hefty book contains maps, color photos, and vivid descriptions of people, places, and cultural practices during biblical times. A Bible dictionary is an important basic tool for personal study, and there are other Bible dictionaries available that you may want to explore. (I know buying this one new may be a little investment.) But I have the Zondervan Illustrated Bible Dictionary for my own study, and I’ve found it to be a wonderful resource.

Hard Sayings of the Bible

Have you ever read a passage in the Bible that leaves you scratching your head? The logic turns you around, perhaps? Or you hear differing interpretations and don’t know what to think? Or perhaps it’s a hard-to-grasp passage about God’s wrath or justice or knowledge? Hard Sayings of the Bible is a great resource to turn to. The authors offer thoughtful yet easy to read explanations for these “hard sayings,” putting them into biblical, historical, and pastoral context. This is one I come back to again and again when I hit challenging passages.

How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth

How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth will help you pay attention to biblical genres. How do we read, study, and interpret historical books as opposed to poetic ones? What should we be aware of when we read epistles, like Paul’s letters in the New Testament? Are the Gospels biographies in the sense we read now? The authors walk through each literary genre in the Bible and give specific examples of how paying attention to genre should guide our interpretation of biblical texts. And they do it in a way that’s easy to understand, even if you don’t consider yourself to be a scholar of literature or of the Bible.

A follow-up book, How to Read the Bible Book by Book, continues this approach, but through brief entries for each book of the Bible, which include some simple guidelines and suggestions for how to read, study, and interpret it well.

CASKET EMPTY Timeline and Study Guide

The CASKET EMPTY resources will help you put each biblical book in the context of the whole story of the Bible. Not sure how the prophets compare to stories about Abraham? Not sure how the New Testament letters fit into a historic timeline? How do the various parts of the Bible fit together? CASKET EMPTY answers these questions and more with its colorful and beautifully designed timelines for the Old and New Testaments and the accompanying study guides. This resource adds the depth of biblical context to your study by keeping you grounded within the grand story of the Bible.

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These are some of my top-shelf resources for Bible study. Do you have any you would add to the list?

When Stress has Roots in My Heart

The weather here is finally crisp enough to hint at winter, and the mornings grow more frequent when I open my windows to see a glittering haze of frost on the yard. I pause as I walk past the vents in our house, eager for the warmth on my toes. By the time evening comes, I’m ready for a warm blanket, a fire, and a cup of steaming tea between my hands.

At least in my part of the world, as the weather grows colder, we begin to think about the holidays. Our family has already started the coordinating of plans, and as I am accosted by sales and advertisements accompanied by jingling bells, I’m feeling the pressure to begin our own quests for thoughtful gifts for loved ones. The season from now until the end of the year is a marathon of preparations, feasts, and family activities as the holidays follow each other in close succession. It’s delightful. But it can also be stressful.

It’s such a shame, really, that a season that should be filled with joy and warmth can be tainted by stress and busyness. It’s a shame that it’s all too easy to lose sight of the invitation to give thanks, to remember the coming of Christ to our world, to reflect on the past year. So as our toes are just beginning to dip into this season, I’ve been thinking about what within my heart, mind, and schedule can be altered to reduce that stress and focus on the right things.

In this timely season, I’ve been reading Richella Parham’s new book Mythical Me: Finding Freedom from Constant Comparison. One phrase has especially stuck with me as I’ve thought about the holiday season (and hospitality as a whole). The words struck a nerve as I read them and are now copied on a notecard and taped in my kitchen. They summarize a lesson I’ve been in the process of learning and relearning for years: You were made to bless, not to impress.

You see, some of the holiday craze is related to overloaded schedules and overcommitment, but some of it has to do with my heart. What if all of my actions were motivated by a desire to “bless and not impress”? What if I can shake off the motivation of comparing myself? Or the nagging thought of other people doing that comparison for me?

I clean my house, yes, and make it a warm and welcoming place, but not because of a concern of what people will think but rather as a means to bless them. I take time to thoughtfully select and purchase gifts, yes, as a means of blessing and (hopefully) delight, but I let go of the fears of projected judgments of what they’ll think of me, the gift-giver. I make food—my jobs during the holidays are cinnamon rolls (for Christmas morning) and apple pies (as much as possible)—but instead of worrying about whether it’s award-winning, I’m focused on the fruits of my oven as a means of sharing with those I love. Do you see the difference?

I know that not all of you are like this (at least I hope not), but also I know that so many of us can fall into the comparison trap. We spend so much time worrying about what other people think of us, worried if we’ll measure up. This anxiety is fueled by an unrealistic projection of what “perfection” might be (and an assumption that everyone else is holding us to that standard and a fear that if they see we fall short they’ll somehow love or value us less). In my experience, this adds fuel to my stress, not because it puts more on my plate (though sometimes it does) but because it adds mental and emotional pressure to the things already on my plate. It’s a vicious cycle. And it’s rooted in far too much navel-gazing.

So, as we enter this season of the year, a season in which there are so many opportunities to be a blessing—through giving, through feeding, through hosting family and friends—let this be the attitude of all of our hearts: You were made to bless, not to impress. And may we all find freedom in this truth.

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I’d recommend Richella’s book, Mythical Me, to any of you who struggle with comparison. I found it to be encouraging—and she offers some practical steps to take to break free from it. You can find it wherever books are sold.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: A Resource

What makes life worth living?

It’s a question that seems easy to answer when life is going well. But it becomes painful when life seems to be a never ending string of pain, sickness, or sorrow. It becomes tragic when it’s a question tinged with despair.

Sadly, suicide is currently the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, and the 2nd leading cause of death for those aged 15-34. These are our friends and neighbors, family members and coworkers. We should not cease to see this as a tragedy.

But this is not a tragedy we must merely accept. Death by suicide is not inevitable and can be prevented.

This is why I want to share with you today the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can call the Lifeline for free, confidential support for yourself or to learn how to help a loved one in crisis.

I would encourage each of you to save the number in your phone (seriously - do it now). You never know when it may be a help to someone or help you receive support in a crisis situation. The number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also chat with a trained crisis team member online at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website.

During this National Suicide Prevention Week, I would also encourage you to take a few minutes to read the great resources on the Lifeline website to learn more about the warning signs of suicide and what you can do to help.

I deeply believe that life is worth living. I believe your life, my friend, is precious, valuable, and worthwhile. You are a gift to the world.

Let’s keep reminding each other of this truth.

Work and Worship: Porter's Gate Project

The purpose of my Everyday Disciple series is to draw our attention to opportunities for discipleship and mission in everyday life. My heart's desire is to see the Church living into a lively vision of our call as disciples of Christ, to see how each part of life is under His Hand, His Lordship, His sanctifying Power. The whole of our lives is touched by His call to "come follow Me."

When I see others engaging this same vision, I get excited. That is why, this week, I've decided to take a break from our Everyday Disciple stories in order to share a related project.  

Last June, a diverse group of worship leaders gathered for the first collaboration of the Porter's Gate Worship Project. They discussed ways worship can engage culture, particularly how worship relates to work - and work to worship. 

The fruit of this gathering is the Porter's Gate Worship Project: Work Songs. It's a beautiful collection of new worship songs written to speak to the reality of the work and vocations in which we find ourselves outside of a designated Sunday "worship time." It's a powerful project. And it's a delight to listen to and worship with. 

There are several gems on this album, but my favorite thus far is "Your Labor Is Not In Vain":  

Your labor is not unknown
Though the rocks they cry out and the sea it may groan
The place of your toil may not seem like a home
But Your labor is not unknown

The houses you labored to build
Will finally with laughter and joy be filled
The serpent that hurts and destroys will be killed
And all that is broken be healed

I am with you, I am with you
I am with you, I am with you
For I have called you, called you by name
Your labor is not in vain

There's such hope here in the promise that the seeds we plant are not in vain, that our toil is not without fruit.

How would our lives, our worship, our work, and our churches be affected if we sang songs like this regularly?

I'd encourage you to take a look at Porter's Gate. You can find out more on their website and in the video below. You can find the album through their website and on iTunes.